Authentic living…
21 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Authentic living, Family, Family Values, Healthy Living, Meditation, Parenting, personal growth Tags: authentic living, chanting, composting, experiential meditation, healthy living, mantras, meditation, parenting
I’ve realized the past few days that I haven’t blogged in awhile, and I think I’ve been putting it off on purpose. I feel rather aimless with this blog lately. Is it a parenting blog? A ‘man, being a mom sure it tough!’ blog? A self-analysis blog? A baking blog? All of the above? I’m suffering from blogger neurosis. How do I write what people will want to read but still be true to myself? I want to say ‘I don’t care if people read it or not! This stuff is fabulous!’. But really, we all want to be liked. I know myself, though, and unless I feel like I’m being authentic I won’t like what I’m writing. So I guess this whole bit was a big brain dump, because I’m just gonna keep on keepin’ on.
So. Saturday morning Jason held a workshop for experiential meditation techniques. Basically it was using mantras, chanting, drumming, etc. and seeing how each of the techniques helped get you to that ‘still’ place. It was very powerful for me, and I’m still feeling the effects from it. The big reveal for me was that I haven’t been to that ‘still’ place in a very long time. My mind is always in motion, and so I don’t give myself an opportunity to feel anything. And I’m not talking about the roller coaster of emotions we go through everyday (obviously if you’ve read any of my previous blogs I’m quite proficient at feeling those!). I’m talking about the deep, quiet places where the real truth comes from. I haven’t gone there, haven’t checked in on my knowing in awhile. And I know why…it’s not always comfortable seeing what is hanging out there.
I left my ‘truth space’ and felt fabulous the rest of the day Saturday, less fabulous Sunday, and today felt downright exhausted. I wasn’t sure what the exhausted thing was until I started typing this, and then it snapped into place. When I was at the workshop my heart was open, my mind was open, there was no fear, just me and my mojo. I felt like I was on the right path. I felt right with myself. The exhausted feeling I’ve had today is from losing that ‘rightness’. It takes a lot of energy to keep yourself from doing the things that at your core make you happy, and that’s what I’ve been doing.
So, what do I need to do to try to get myself closer to my ‘rightness’? Sigh. The list is long, and I think that’s why I’m so exhausted. I have used the kids as an excuse to let things that are important to me slip. I’m talking about ways to live my daily life, and to help construct my family’s daily lives, that I know are ways that would make me feel better about myself and what we stand for as a family, but I don’t do it. Composting, gardening, healthy eating, conscious choosing of foods I buy, places I shop. Living simply, living responsibly not just with respect to the planet, or our bodies, but financially too. It shouldn’t be hard, but it is. All of those things take work! And I’m tired! But I’m more tired because I’m not doing these things! Oh, the battles. But it’s time to start working on these things, especially because Nyima is getting old enough that she is watching and learning from everything we do. I don’t want her to learn that every free second you get you plop on the couch to pop open the computer to check Facebook or email or turn on the TV. I don’t want her to learn that it’s okay to trip over junk laying on the floor and not pick it up. I don’t want her to learn that you ignore your body, ignore your soul and what it knows is right because to do what is right would be too ‘hard’. I want her to live a dynamic life, and I am not serving as a dynamic example.
I say all of this without feelings of self-criticism. I know that it’s been tough with two little kids and with adjusting to being home, and that for awhile I just had to focus on survival and not permanently damaging the children. But it’s looking like I’m not going back to work (at least not full-time), which means I’m in this for the long haul, which means it’s time to start moving in the direction of not just getting by, but living authentically.
So let’s add that to the list of blog topics, shall we? Because there isn’t enough going on here.
You Don’t Know Nuthin’!
10 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Career, Family, Parenting, writing Tags: back to work, imaginary friends, writing
The past several weeks have been spent angsting about going back to work. How ironical that said job may not happen! And you know what, I got nothin’ left. So if I’m supposed to go back to work, great. If I’m supposed to stay home, also great. We were convinced that we ‘knew’ what we were supposed to do, that we had it all figured out. Fools! You know nothing!
This is true. We really do know nothing. Because any thoughts can be twisted to what you need them to be. I needed to be okay with going back to work, so I made it happen. Now I may need to be okay with staying home and being alone with the kids 87 hours a day, so I will make that happen too. You can convince your brain of pretty much anything if you need to. So I’m done worrying about it. What is supposed to happen will happen.
I have decided, though, to take this time I have to possibly ‘reinvent’ myself and make a concerted effort to focus on my writing. This blog is nice therapy, but I think I may take a stab at a couple children’s books that have been batting around in my brain. Or maybe I’ll start working on a book about being a mom. Or maybe I’ll try to kickstart my freelance writing. I don’t know. But I always said I couldn’t focus on writing before because I was too busy with my ‘real’ job. Now I don’t have a ‘real’ job per se (although the job I do have is ten times harder), I have the freedom to pursue what I want, and the only thing holding me back is fear. So maybe I can kick the fear’s ass and have a go at something I really want to do.
I anticipate nightmares about firemen from Nyima tonight. She is learning about fire fighters in pre-school this week, and today they had a fire drill. When I picked her up the teacher told me that Nyima was VERY into the fire drill, and after it was done was quite concerned about where all of the exits were and how they were supposed to leave. All day today she made random comments about if there’s a fire you leave your toys and just go! And one time she said she didn’t want the firemen to come, and when I asked her why she said she didn’t want them to set a fire. So then I had to explain that the firemen make the fires go away, they don’t make them happen. I also explained how firemen can help us if we get hurt, so then she went into an elaborate story about how they would help her imaginary friend ‘Chip’ (who apparently looks a lot like the gnome Paris in the movie Gnomeo and Juliet) if she were too busy to help him. She has had lots of imaginary friends. I think that’s a good thing, isn’t it? Or it means I’m neglecting her and so she needs to make someone up to feel like she has a friend. See, you can convince yourself of anything!
Peace Cometh to Those Who Wait…
06 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
I’m writing this blog in a good mood. A happy mood. Dare I say, a peaceful mood. Yes, I know that’s hard to believe, and for those of you who might have been looking forward to some more angsting from me you wont’ be getting it today (but don’t worry, I’m sure it will be back!).
This place of peace was not easily won. The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of awfulness – emotions out of control, Jason and I fighting so much both of us wondered if we were going to make it past all this. Thankfully we managed to keep our personal sufferings quiet around the children, because they’ve been in a better mood than ever. And it’s a good thing for them, because if they were moody our house might have imploded from all the insanity.
When I made the decision to go back to work Jason told me to sit with it for at least a week, because this was something I needed to be sure about. I didn’t want to – I wanted to dive in and get moving. I’m not a ‘sit with it’ kind of person. But if I had done it my way, made a decision without truly feeling it out, I would have had a panic attack around day 3. I had no idea that it would take two days to finally make a decision, have one day of preliminary excitement, three to four days of intense sadness/anger and mourning of the loss of my stay at home mom role that I took to mean I shouldn’t be going back to work, a day of denial and desperate searching for ways to NOT have to go back to work, and then finally a couple tentative days of acceptance, another couple days of more authentic acceptance, and now finally peace with all of it. Looking back over it is like looking at the biggest, twistiest roller coaster I’ve ever seen. But I made it. Jason made it. The kids made it. And I am genuinely excited about our new adventure. I have no idea when it will start, but I’m ready to go.
I had the perfect storm of spiritual help to push me into the land of peace-hood. During the first week we were doing the Angel Hosting in our house. Last Saturday, after they had been there almost a week, Jason and I had a fight. A bad fight. An “I can’t stand to look at you” fight. For the second time in less than a week he went to bed without saying goodnight, something we’ve rarely done in the 20 years we’ve been together. We were both emotional wrecks, him tired of me changing my mind about what I wanted every five seconds, me tired of feeling like I wasn’t being understood. After he went to bed I was so upset, crying, sobbing, so tired of all of the upheaval and discord in our usually harmonious lives. So I knelt in front of our family alter where we had the candles burning for the length of the angels’ stay, and I prayed. And truly, I never pray. But I was at the end of my rope, and I surrendered to the Universe, the Angels, our ancestors, anyone who would listen and asked for some help, because I was tapped. All I wanted was some peace, some guidance, anything. And as soon as I did that, as soon as I let myself truly let go, I felt better. I didn’t have all the answers, but I felt more at peace, more…quiet…than I had since the whole issue first came up. My storm of emotions had been calmed, and it allowed me to get through the rest of the week and work towards being at peace.
So this Saturday was the next step in my ‘journey to peace with going back to work’. Saturday morning Jason’s sister hosted a yoga workshop. (She’s an amazing teacher, FYI, and if anyone ever has the chance you should go to one of her classes. She was meant to teach yoga. She also has a blog, The Yogini Next Door that you should read if you’re a yoga-phile. Very inspiring!) The workshop she hosted was on heart openers, yoga poses that help open your heart chakra. Cool, I thought, I love a good heart opener class. I was concerned because I had hurt my lower back and could hardly walk, let alone do yoga. But I knew if I took it easy the yoga would probably help. So I’m in the class, and as I’m doing one of the poses my heart opens up, and as it does my back spasms at exactly the same time. I realized at that moment that I had hurt my back because I had been shoving down all of my emotions about going back to work, and my back was where I was keeping it. So I started crying (discreetly, I was in a yoga class after all), and as I let my heart open more and more my back started to ache a little less. I told my heart it was okay to be sad, that I understood it was scared about all the changes coming up and that it was only sad because it loves the kids so much and worries so much about their well-being. Basically I gave my heart an energy hug. And it felt better! Yes, I was little weepy, but it was the tears that come from letting your heart open up and be felt and heard. Yoga is so cool!
To round out the glory of my healing Saturday, Jason and I went to see Lama Lobsang Palden in Chicago for a Tibetan Healing and Yantra Yoga workshop. During the workshop he taught cleansing breathing exercises and movements (the Yantra Yoga), we did some chanting, and he did a Medicine Buddha healing ceremony to help clear out negative energies and emotions. Basically what this workshop did for me is to take all of the messy, yucky emotions and energy I’ve had going for the past couple of weeks (and before that too, I think) and cleaned them out. I breathed in light, and breathed out the dark. It was so powerful, and I feel like it helped wrap up and clean up all of the drama that has been going on with my decision to go back to work.
As if all of that wasn’t enough, the rest of the day and night was spend with just me and Jason. My parents watched the kids overnight, and we stayed downtown in Chicago and just had fun. We talked, we went to dinner, we walked around downtown. It was a perfect evening after a perfect day, and it set us back on the right path in our relationship. We have been together so long, and our relationship has changed so many times, and each time has been traumatic in it’s own way. I am so thankful that we keep working at it, stay willing to grow together and see what’s around the next corner.
The next month or so is going to be tough. Jason is building up his private practice and I’ll be waiting to start work. He will be working long hours, and while I hope I can remind myself that the long hours with just me and the kids will be temporary, I know it’s going to wear on me. But I feel like my spiritual perfect storm has made a path for me to get through all of this, and has helped me get to a place where I can face what is coming with excitement instead of anxiety, anticipation instead of fear. I think our family is in for an exciting journey, and I’m ready to get on the road…
Waiting for the Change…
02 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
Since my last blog I’ve come to a more peaceful place with the thought of going back to work. Well, maybe peaceful isn’t the right word quite yet. But the thought and I can be in the same room without me either hiding in the corner in the fetal position or throwing knives at it. I’d say that’s progress.
Am I still sad I can’t stay home? Sure. But the alternative to this is that Jason has to work even more. Meaning he would be gone from 8 or 9 in the morning until 8 at night 4 nights a week instead of just a couple. And work the weekends. Forget about him being burnt out – I would go insane. I love my children, and I am going to miss having the free time with them during the day. But I really don’t want to be home with them 12 hours a day 4 days a week and solo for several hours on the weekend. Nor do I want to be married to my husband after he is working that much. Our household would not be a happy one.
So I go back to the bear dream, with the momma bear standing on the hill with her two cubs. She was strong. She was protecting her family. She was providing for her family, nourishing her family. And that’s what I’ll be doing. I can be a bear.
I took the kids to the Children’s Museum in Indianapolis today. I was afraid that the outing was going to bring me full swing back to being heartbroken about going back to work. But it didn’t. I realized I can do these things with them, trips to the zoo, the museum, the water park. So I take a day off of work to do it. Big deal! It will make it that much more special, and we can go as a family instead of just me and the two kids. It will be a nice event instead of me trying to find a way to get out of the house and make the day go by faster.
The kids are only young once, and I have realized that I spent a lot of the past year waiting for them to get older so it would be easier on me. That makes me sad. Would I have felt that way if I were working? I don’t know. I am so grateful I got to spend the past year at home. I feel like a lot of little miracles (and some big ones!) occurred to let that happen. And now I feel like I’m getting signs that it’s time to change it up again, live for myself a little too, to let my brain work again. And to do it in a way so my kids don’t feel like they are ‘second’.
And really, if someone has to go back to work this isn’t a bad job to have to go back to. Yeah, it’s a demanding and stressful job, but I get to work from home. I’ll be able to see my kids throughout the day, anytime I want. And the majority of the time that I can’t be with them, Jason will be the one taking care of them. That makes me happy, and I think it will make them happy. They will know both of us, and they will always feel loved.
So now we wait…I won’t get the official ‘done deal’ from my job until they find out if they got awarded the study I’ll be working on. I’m hoping that will come soon, because now that we’ve made the decision we’re both ready to start moving forward with it. Now if for some reason that doesn’t happen…well, I guess I’ll worry about that then.
Back to taking the kids to the museum today, I am amazed at how much they have changed in a few months. I think it was 5 or 6 months ago that I last took them. Kai could barely crawl, and Nyima enjoyed it but wasn’t really into anything. Today was so totally different. Kai walked around and played just as much as Nyima. And Nyima explored EVERYTHING. I wasn’t there with two toddlers, I was there with a toddler and a little girl. It was crazy. Within the past week she has just…grown up. A couple weeks ago I was happy if I could get her to draw a smiley face. Tonight she drew a picture of a monster family, and when one of our friends asked her to sign it she knew what that meant, took her picture, and actually wrote an ‘N’ and then a few scribbles afterwords that didn’t look like much but were at least place holders for letters. When did this happen?!? I feel proud and scared. And also excited to meet this new little girl! She seems pretty awesome.
More of the Same (and also, my kids are awesome!) (Yes, I really said that!)
28 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in Baking, Career, Family, Parenting, Relationships, Stay at home mom Tags: family, parenting, returning to work
Been sort of a whirlwind week. Every night and every phone call has been filled with discussions of me returning to work. Is it right? Is it not? Should I do it? Shouldn’t I? And every day I seem to have a different answer. The answer that seems to be sticking is yes, I will go back to work. But I’m not happy about it.
But I HAVE been happy about it. There were a couple of days that I was actually excited about the prospect. Then I started thinking about the job, and how stressful it can be, and how hard it can be, and how much of a pain in the fanny it can be (sort of like every job out there) and I am just not looking forward to being IN it again. And more than that, lately I am really mourning the loss of staying home with the kids. Crazy, right? The chick who does nothing but have mental breakdowns and laments about the difficulties of motherhood has had a broken heart for the past few days thinking about not being with them all the time. And more than that, having something as mind-absorbing as the start-up of a huge pharma clinical trial taking residence in my brain and moving into space that has been reserved solely for the kids. I’ve been living them the past year. Now my life will be split again, and I’m remembering how hard that was. I am sad.
It doesn’t help that the past couple of days have been really great. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like my days are numbered with being able to spend as much time with them, but things that really used to piss me off aren’t right now. And if I do get aggravated it passes very quickly. (Although before that Nyima was on my last nerve and I told Jason that she was making this decision pretty easy!) Logically everything about me going back to work makes sense…Jason gets to spend more time with the kids, I’m not as burdened with the long days of just me and the kids, we’ll have a little extra money instead of barely able to pay the bills, the insurance will be better, etc. But what I fear is going to happen, because I had glimpses of memory from when I worked when Nyima was a baby, is that I’ll still worry about all of the things I do now, still try to take care of all those things, still feel responsible for all of those things, I’m just adding a job on top of it. Because whether I’m working or not working, I’m still MOM.
And I can already feel stress about my schedule. I told them I wanted to be done with my ‘desk’ work by 3, but that I could take calls after that, people would just have to understand that I wouldn’t have a sitter. But I know this job, and I know that it’s going to be VERY hard to shut it off at 3. First it will be a day a week or so that I work later than 3. Then more days. Then it will be that I stop at 4. And eventually I’ll stop at 5, and then I’ll only be seeing the kids a few hours a day, Jason will be furious at me for not sticking to the deal, and once again I’ll feel pulled in a million directions and nobody will be happy with me. Suddenly I’m remembering why I wanted to stay home so much…
Jason says there is no use worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, like the money, my job, etc. But I feel like I have to be realistic too…it’s likely that soon we won’t be able to pay our bills (well, we’ll be able to pay our bills, just not eat), hence I need to go back to work (being all ‘gotta keep up the good karma’ and deciding to stop taking money from my mom’s business seems like a bad decision right about now!) (No it doesn’t, it was the right thing to do. But still…). From experience I believe that it’s likely my schedule is going to turn into an issue at work and at home. And this isn’t something we can change our minds about – once Jason leaves his other job, it’s unlikely he would be able to go back. And he wont’ get paid as well anywhere else. When I left work it was like ‘Oh well, if we can’t make it I can always go back!”, so while it was scary it was sort of like an experiment. This is a permanent sort of decision, at least for the next several years until we attempted to pay off some of our debts. When I think about it too much I get on the edge of a panic attack.
But everyone we have talked to seems to think it’s a great idea. So I guess I’m going to try to stick with that attitude. It would help if I didn’t feel like I was betraying the kids every time I looked at them.
On a lighter note, gluten-free baking SUCKS! Sugar-free baking SUCKS! Dairy-free SUCKS! Not as much as the other two, but it still sucks! I’ve had two inedible creations so far (Nyima has been helping me, and after we’re done she’s asked for a brownie/cookie and I’m like ‘trust me, you don’t want these’. So tomorrow morning I’m going to the store and buying refrigerated Tollhouse, dammit!), and it’s so expensive and you need to buy so many different flours and other various baking ingredients that it becomes cost prohibitive! So far two of the flours I bought are disgusting (makes cookies smell and taste like garbanzo beans), two of the others aren’t gluten free (because I’m a moron), and the other two can really only be used in conjunction with other flours. Which apparently is the case for all gluten-free flours. I guess if you throw enough stuff in there eventually it might taste like something other than cardboard paste?? It’s not like we’re allergic, or even sensitive. I will keep us as dairy-free as possible, and keep buying snacks and breads and whatnot without wheat in them (because she said WHEAT free, not gluten free, so I’m taking what I can get!) and keep trying to avoid sugar in their diet which I always sort of did anyway (or at least tried to do). But after a couple months of this I’m getting his ears checked again, and if they aren’t any better the deal is off, man!
One more good thing, I took the kids to get their pictures taken today. Of course they were adorable. But after we were done (after we were there for 3 HOURS!) the photographer said “Well, whatever you are doing at home is working. These are the best kids I have ever worked with. Honestly when you see that a 1 and 3 year old are coming in for pictures you’re like ‘oh man!’, but they were great!”. So yay to that!!!!!
Angels and I Chings and Bears, Oh My!
24 Jan 2012 1 Comment
in Career, Family, personal growth, Relationships, Stay at home mom Tags: angel hosting project, dream interpretation, family, I Ching, returning to work, stay at home mom
So much to blog and so little time!
Where to start, where to start. The big ticket item is work – will I or won’t I? Should I or shouldn’t I? There was much discussion about the bears and my dream this morning. My very talented husband has amazing ways of getting your subconscious to peek it’s head out and let you know what it was trying to tell you in your dreams with some guided questioning. Through his questioning we got to a place of the dream telling me about needing to follow my truth, whether it was what I wanted the truth to be or not. I knew then that I would be going back to work. I didn’t want to know it, but I knew.
Because the truth is I know that we as a family are not in a good place right now, and haven’t been for some time. I’m impatient with the kids, Jason is burnt out at work and missing the kids, we are impatient with each other and arguing and bickering more than we ever have. I don’t want the truth to be that the resolution to this is that I go back to work. But at this point it seems that is the case. If I go back to work, Jason gets to be with the kids until 3, then I’m done and with them for the rest of the day. Neither of us reach burn-out phase with the kids. He gets to spend more time with them, and quite frankly he’s much better at getting out of the house and DOING things – not just using an outing at the grocery store to say you left the house. I get to feel like I’m a person again, get to use my brain again. My poor shredded ego gets a little boost. And the money will be wonderful, the insurance will be nice, the security will take away a level of stress that has been hovering over us since I left work.
This was all very clear this morning. However, by the afternoon I was a big fat wreck. I emailed my old job and got a response within 5 minutes – “Yes! Come back! We’d love to have you, have the perfect study for you, yada yada yada!”. Holy crap this was moving fast. Then they called me in the afternoon and started talking about details, start dates, and it was just too much. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t do anything but feel this huge weight on my chest that was me going back to work.
So I called my friend Jackie to let her know what was going on and vent my terror. Thank goodness I called her – she talked me down from my panic. She helped me remember that yes, I may not want to work, but don’t most people? Not that I need to settle, but maybe it’s just not my time yet to be living my dream (and since I still don’t know what that is that makes sense). And really, what do I have to complain about? I get paid very well, I will work from home so will still get to see the kids, I don’t have to worry about someone else taking care of them because Jason will be with them. And after 3:00 I’ll be with them for the rest of the day, and will probably appreciate them much more as a result. So once again I was ok.
Then Jason got home, and we started talking about it again, and he was talking about me going back like it was what I wanted to do, like it was a choice I made because I was excited about it. I explained that I was not excited about it, that I was doing it for the money. At which point he said if that was the case, he would rather go bankrupt than have me go back to work, and that going back to work because of the money was not a reason to go back to work. Had I already forgotten our conversation from the morning about bettering the family? Yes, I had.
So then I was uber confused. Am I going back to work? Am I not going back to work? The same questions came up that had very clear answers this morning. Then Jason pulls out the I Ching. For anyone who hasn’t used it, the I Ching is sort of a Chinese divination/wisdom book – you throw coins six times, each side of the coin has a certain numeric value, the six throws you do evolve into sort of a diagram, and you look up that diagram to see what the I Ching has to say to you. So I throw my coins, and the I Ching says my path is materialistic, petty, guided only by money, etc and that if I continue on this path it will lead to misery. Besides feeling like a big jerk, I think that means I’m NOT supposed to go to work. Then Jason explains that it isn’t just the decision, but the INTENTION behind the decision that is important. If I go into going back to work with the attitude that I am only doing it for the money, I’m throwing myself into my suffering, into my own personal misery soup. But if I go back to work with the intention of the betterment of the family, for all of the non-monetary reasons that were discussed, I can do it with a clear heart, knowing that my intentions are aligned with the highest good. So I felt like less of a jerk. And I’m going back to work.
The thing is, it was easier to want to go back for the money. Because for me to go back for any other reason was, in my mind, admitting that I had failed as a stay at home mom. Yes, I can complain about not feeling like I use my brain, not feeling involved, feeling overwhelmed and unhappy. But I’m not allowed to DO anything about it. I’m the mom. I’m the martyr. I’m the one that is supposed to be unhappy while I watch the rest of my family blossom and be joyful. And if doing something about it means I go back to work, spend less time with the kids and more time on myself, isn’t that the ultimate in selfishness? What I’m starting to realize is if I DON’T do something about it it’s the ultimate in selfishness. Because as everyone knows, if momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy. Should I keep staying home just to prove that I can?
So after that big day we got to welcome angels into our house. We’re participating in the Angel Hosting Project, a ritual where you welcome angels into your home for a week to help fulfill specific needs you ask them for help with. (These aren’t actual people by the way. When I first heard about this I was like “What? Having some random people who call themselves angels in my house for a week? Weird. Although I could use the garage cleaned out…”) One of our friends did this last week and asked if we wanted to do it this week. So we did the welcoming ritual tonight, I figure any positive energy is a good thing! We’ll see how it goes. After our week is done we pass them on the three new people. Although after a week of dealing with our needs these angels may be up for a vacation…
Dreams of Bears…
23 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Career, Discipline, Family, Kid health, Parenting, Stay at home mom Tags: discipline, dream interpretations, stay at home or work
Last night I had a dream about bears. In the dream I was looking out a window and there were three bears standing at the top of a hill – big grizzly bears, a big one and two smaller ones, so I’m assuming a mom and her two cubs. They didn’t do anything, they just stood there. In looking up the meanings of bears in dreams they can symbolize lots of things, but things that stuck out were introspection, standing up for beliefs/leadership, courage, and natural healing. There have been a lot of issues/decisions floating around in my brain lately, and I feel like this dream was meant to help guide me but I’m really not sure how yet. Jason suggested sitting down, visualizing the bears, and asking them what they wanted me to know. I’m going to try that tomorrow, tonight I was too tired.
One of the big things we keep going back and forth about is whether or not I’m going to go back to work. I don’t necessarily want to, but at the same time it would be nice to not have to worry about how we’re going to buy groceries after we pay the bills and Jason would like to be able to spend more time with the kids. I can’t help think the bears were there for this decision, but what way am I supposed to go? I had thought that having courage about this decision meant that I would stay home no matter what, that come hell, high water, or bankruptcy I was going to be there for my kids. But what if being there for my kids means that I make the decision to go back to work so they can spend more time with their dad and the HUGE stress of money that always seems to be hovering about is gone? What if the courage/leadership is to be an example of sometimes you do what you don’t want to for the betterment of the family? Or is the betterment of the family that I’m home taking care of the cubs and the den and being strong momma-bear and try to keep us all strong and healthy even though we are struggling? I don’t know. I hope the bears tell me.
Other items…
Kai is now off of dairy, wheat, sugar, and food coloring because of his repeated ear infections. I have a lot of learning to do and pretty much have to re-stock my whole kitchen.
Nyima is lucky she is so cute because she has been hell on wheels the last couple of weeks. Challenging EVERYTHING. It used to be that if I told her if she didn’t stop doing x/y/z I would take (fill in the blank) away, give a time-out, etc., and she would stop. Now she just makes this incredibly annoying nasal whining sound and keeps on doing it, waiting for me to dish out the punishment. And I’ve never not dished it out, I try really hard to be consistent, so I don’t know that her deal is. Just another level of independence I guess, seeing how serious I really am. She is throwing at least a fit a day, full-on screaming, laying on the floor fits, which is a pretty new thing. I also think it’s a sibling thing, because several times after she either has a fit or gets disciplined for something she’ll say “When Kai does (insert whatever she did) he gets a (insert punishment here) too, right?” I’ve pretended to put him time-outs a couple of times when he hits her (he’s in his ‘hitting to say hello, goodbye, give me that, I love you phase) so she doesn’t feel like she’s the only one getting in trouble. (Which she has taken great glee in, btw, and asks to see him and then gets a big smile on her face.) I don’t think she’d understand that he’s only a year old and doesn’t understand what he’s doing. All she cares about is that when she hits him she gets a time-out, so he should get the same. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. It feels right. But I’d love to hear from others who are dealing with this (both the increased fits/challenges and the sibling stuff) and what they did.
I’m going to try to be more positive with this blog. When Jason and I were talking about me going back to work he wondered if I even wanted to stay home with the kids since I seemed so unhappy. I told him I was actually doing better than I had in awhile, and he said that in this blog it sure doesn’t seem like it. Not that he’s only going by this blog, but the rest of you are, and while I think it’s important to document the struggles of motherhood it’s also important to remember perspective (although I think people who are my friends on Facebook hopefully see that I’m not ALWAYs negative, since that’s where I do all of my picture sharing, “look what cute thing my kid did this hour” updates). Also I found myself almost wanting to feel bad so I would have something to blog about. That is whack. I’m also hoping that by not focusing so much on the negative in this blog it will help me not focus on the negative throughout the day. Don’t get me wrong, negative Nancy has not left the building! She’s just trying to stop stealing the spotlight.
New Blog and Playing Nice with Fear
20 Jan 2012 1 Comment
in Emotional drama, personal growth Tags: fear, parenting, personal growth, relationships
So I started a new blog tonight, Baking for Sanity. I wanted to post about all of the baking/cooking I’ve been doing, but it didn’t seem to fit in this drama fest that I’ve got going on here. So I can fulfill my fluff-fest with this other page. It will be sort of nice to do something a little more…lighthearted. If anything to show you all that I’m not a raging lunatic. All of the time.
Speaking of raging lunatic, I had a breakthrough today. (No, really, applause isn’t needed, but thank you!) I was talking to Jason on the phone and we were discussing the struggles we’ve had lately. Things have not been as hunky-dory as we would like them to be. So as we’re talking I say for the 100th time that I’m scared, that all of the bitchiness and darkness that has been following me around lately has come from my fear, in particular after I stopped taking a regular paycheck from my mom to do work for her business. I had SAID I was scared, I didn’t have a problem knowing that. But immediately after I say I’m scared I launch into ways I’m going to try to DO something about it, how I’m going to try to fix it. I started to do that today while I was on the phone, and Jason said (because he’s brilliant, by the way), “How about you just let yourself feel the fear instead of trying to fix it? Say you’re scared but then let it go at that.” (I’m paraphrasing here, btw.) And something in what he said did just that. I felt the fear, but I also looked at it – really looked at it – for the first time. Not with a big scheme in my head of how I’ll make it go away, but just looked at it and really felt it settled in my solar plexus. And seriously, almost immediately it started to lose it’s power over me. In the 20 minutes that it took me to get off the phone, pick up Nyima from school, and get home, I felt lighter than I had in months. It’s not that the fear was gone, it was just that I wasn’t fighting it by trying to figure out ways to make it go away. Yes, I am scared. I’m scared of too many things to list here. But that’s ok. Fear, you can hang out if you need to. You keep me aware. But you aren’t allowed to blind me, to take me to the dark side anymore.
So give it a try. Sit with your fears. Not in a wallowing way, but in an acknowledgement way. Afraid of having enough money to pay bills? Say “I’m scared we won’t have enough money”. Don’t let yourself go into the ‘ways to fix it’. You are just stating your fears, not trying to fix them. It might take a few times of saying it. Try to clear your mind, calm yourself, say it again. Let yourself feel the anxiety, cry if you have to if that’s what comes up. I know I’ve hit on it when I feel very still inside, and yet in that stillness every cell is at attention, listening – and then I feel the energy from the fear roll up from my solar plexus, through my chest, through my throat, and out my head. Sometimes you gotta shed some tears to loosen that energy up. And then you can say, ala the movie “Labyrinth”, “You have no power over me”. Hopefully you will feel the truth of what you are saying deep inside. And that truth is just what it is…the truth of your emotions. They want to be heard, so you honor them by acknowledging their presence. Ignored emotions are sort of like ignored kids. They can get really loud and annoying until you give them the attention they want. Once they get that attention they don’t necessarily go away, but they are much more content to snuggle up and play nice.
The Un-winnable Fight…
18 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Emotional drama, Parenting, Relationships, Stay at home mom Tags: parenting, relationship difficulties and parenting, relationships, relationships and parenting
I don’t know if y’all noticed, but I was a little grumpy last night. Me and the darling hubby had a bit of an argument and the furiosity carried over into the writing.
So after a night of furiosity and a later night of no sleep I was pretty much useless today. Still feeling not quite with it, although I am happy to say the fight is officially over. I spend a lot of time talking about how hard this parenting this on me, but I’m no dope. I know it sucks for my husband too. He works his behind off 10-plus hours a day listening to people’s problems and helping them through their emotional crises, then he comes home and instead of getting to veg out and rest from his day he walks into the house of tired and grumpy and gets to listen to my emotional crises. He spends what time he can with the kids before they go to bed, we try to have decent conversation through our exhaustion, and then it’s time for bed and it all starts the next day. I know this is his life, and I know his life is tiring, but it is so hard to see outside of your own struggles. Our personal suffering clouds our vision, keeps us from seeing that others are suffering just as much (often more).
Based on what I’ve heard from other SAHMs, this is a common issue. Mom is burnt out. Dad is burnt out. Both feel their roles are demanding, both feel under-appreciated, both want rest. And instead of seeing that we both are suffering in our own ways and trying to work together, we look for who is suffering MORE. Mom thinks she suffers more because she never gets a break, is never alone, doesn’t get adult interaction without kids hanging on her, doesn’t get to use her brain. Dad thinks he suffers more because he’s away from the kids all day, works hard to support the family (and give mom what she wanted, after all, to stay home with the kids!), comes home to chaos and the kids shoved on him without having time to decompress, has no time for himself. So we live in our personal suffering until the internal tension is so high that the inevitable fight ensues. Maybe it’s caused by one of them asking for something that pushes the other over the edge of what is acceptable to take on. Maybe it’s as little as mom wanting to go shopping by herself. Maybe dad simply wants to be able to have 30 minutes a day to exercise. But something tips the balance, someone bristles at a request, and the hounds are released!
Our fight last night wasn’t even about this (for once), I honestly can’t remember what it was about but it started after we paid bills which is always a lovely time. But the above scenario happens often – I’d say it’s an every-other-month argument. It’s one that will never be won, and I think we both know that. I think it merely serves as a release valve. Every so often we let ourselves feel the anger and resentment over not being able to do what we want that we push down on a daily basis in our efforts to stay grateful and present for the kids. There are no ‘decompress’ days anymore, days from pre-kids where if you were feeling depleted you could lay on the couch and watch movies on TNT all day. So we have this argument that we know will go nowhere but at least we feel we got to voice all of the internal complaints we’ve had about our individual situations. And usually someone says something in the discussion that is enlightening to the other person. So even if the argument isn’t won per se, it’s a success if someone can leave feeling like they have a better understanding of what their partner may be going through.
Really, though? Moms have it waaaaaaaaaaaaay harder. 
What’s Not to Like??
17 Jan 2012 1 Comment
I have really considered not doing this blog anymore. I’ve said this before, that I feel like all I do is bitch and complain about how hard being a mom is, how hard it is staying home, how hard it is not having money, how hard it is feeling like I look like crap all the time. Because there are some fantastic things that happen. I could blog about baking with Nyima, or all the hilarious things Kai is doing, or how much I’ve loved our new-found dance party ritual. And maybe I will if the mood strikes me. But the mood has been striking me more to write about the struggles. Because to be honest if all I wrote about was sunshiney happy stuff I’d want to punch myself in the face. I’ve read those blogs, the “I love my kids, and this is how great of a parent I am, and look how I love my whole family and am saving the earth at the same time! Oh, and did I mention I sewed ten new dresses for my lovely children and their lovely dolls today, and also here are 100 pictures of my perfect house and perfect yard. Life is swell!”. I haven’t read those blogs for long before wanting to puke, but I’ve read them. Enough to know that the people writing them are full of shit and are trying to convince everyone and themselves that everything is peachy so they don’t fall into the abyss.
I, on the other hand, am very comfortable with the abyss. Maybe too comfortable. But to defeat your enemy you must know your enemy. I don’t sit around all day wallowing in my darkness. Most of the time it’s not even there, not on the surface. It just sort of hangs out. I’m not talking about depression, it’s more that part that stands back and observes all the chaos and every once and awhile says “Dude. What the fuck.”
Like tonight, for example. Tonight my husband gets home, the children are whining and crying because they’re tired and Kai has his 100th ear infection, and I go sit in the bathroom and read and pretend I have to poop so I can get away from it for about 5 minutes. I’m hearing the crying, I know that the crying I hear means that they are probably hanging on Jason’s legs while he’s trying to get some food, do some dishes. And I’m thinking “I should probably be down there and help him out.” And then I’m thinking….”Nah.” I’m just over it, man. Over stressing about the house. Over stressing about whether I’m feeding the kids right, disciplining right, putting them to bed right. Over not having money to buy myself something other than $5 pants that don’t even fit right but I buy them anyway because hey, new pants! Over looking like a freakin’ MOM. Over worrying about everyone and their brother but never myself. Over every decision I make being preceded by the thought of whether x, y, or z will approve. Over having to pretend to poop to get 5 minutes to myself.
This morning I took 3 hours to go into our office and work on Jason’s insurance billing for his private practice. It felt so good to use my brain. I’m sure that’s what has lead to my uber-cynicism tonight. I got a taste of being smart again, and I LIKED it! I used to be smart. I used to be interesting. Now…meh. I would love to have a conversation about something other than my kids, but I don’t know about anything else right now. Politics? I’m out. Current events? Nope. Fashion? Puh-lease.
So I have these thoughts, then of course I think I’m the worst mom in the world because I’m not fawning over my children 24/7 and the worst wife for not falling down at my husband’s feet because I’m so grateful I get to stay home with the kids. I really am never satisfied…if I were working I would be saying how much it sucked that I have to work and can’t stay home with my kids. And my kids are healthy and happy so what do I have to complain about? I know there are people that have it much much worse, and I know that me griping makes me look like a big douchebag in the contest for ‘who’s life sucks the most?’. Is this just confirmation that I’m a spoiled brat and not happy with anything, that nothing really is good enough? It’s quite possible. But if that’s the case, then I guess I’m a spoiled brat and not happy with anything, because this is what’s going on, people. These are the thoughts that go through my head, these are the crazy ass emotions that come spilling out. And I’m going to keep putting them out there, because I think if I don’t I would probably explode.
