New Blog and Playing Nice with Fear
20 Jan 2012 1 Comment
in Emotional drama, personal growth Tags: fear, parenting, personal growth, relationships
So I started a new blog tonight, Baking for Sanity. I wanted to post about all of the baking/cooking I’ve been doing, but it didn’t seem to fit in this drama fest that I’ve got going on here. So I can fulfill my fluff-fest with this other page. It will be sort of nice to do something a little more…lighthearted. If anything to show you all that I’m not a raging lunatic. All of the time.
Speaking of raging lunatic, I had a breakthrough today. (No, really, applause isn’t needed, but thank you!) I was talking to Jason on the phone and we were discussing the struggles we’ve had lately. Things have not been as hunky-dory as we would like them to be. So as we’re talking I say for the 100th time that I’m scared, that all of the bitchiness and darkness that has been following me around lately has come from my fear, in particular after I stopped taking a regular paycheck from my mom to do work for her business. I had SAID I was scared, I didn’t have a problem knowing that. But immediately after I say I’m scared I launch into ways I’m going to try to DO something about it, how I’m going to try to fix it. I started to do that today while I was on the phone, and Jason said (because he’s brilliant, by the way), “How about you just let yourself feel the fear instead of trying to fix it? Say you’re scared but then let it go at that.” (I’m paraphrasing here, btw.) And something in what he said did just that. I felt the fear, but I also looked at it – really looked at it – for the first time. Not with a big scheme in my head of how I’ll make it go away, but just looked at it and really felt it settled in my solar plexus. And seriously, almost immediately it started to lose it’s power over me. In the 20 minutes that it took me to get off the phone, pick up Nyima from school, and get home, I felt lighter than I had in months. It’s not that the fear was gone, it was just that I wasn’t fighting it by trying to figure out ways to make it go away. Yes, I am scared. I’m scared of too many things to list here. But that’s ok. Fear, you can hang out if you need to. You keep me aware. But you aren’t allowed to blind me, to take me to the dark side anymore.
So give it a try. Sit with your fears. Not in a wallowing way, but in an acknowledgement way. Afraid of having enough money to pay bills? Say “I’m scared we won’t have enough money”. Don’t let yourself go into the ‘ways to fix it’. You are just stating your fears, not trying to fix them. It might take a few times of saying it. Try to clear your mind, calm yourself, say it again. Let yourself feel the anxiety, cry if you have to if that’s what comes up. I know I’ve hit on it when I feel very still inside, and yet in that stillness every cell is at attention, listening – and then I feel the energy from the fear roll up from my solar plexus, through my chest, through my throat, and out my head. Sometimes you gotta shed some tears to loosen that energy up. And then you can say, ala the movie “Labyrinth”, “You have no power over me”. Hopefully you will feel the truth of what you are saying deep inside. And that truth is just what it is…the truth of your emotions. They want to be heard, so you honor them by acknowledging their presence. Ignored emotions are sort of like ignored kids. They can get really loud and annoying until you give them the attention they want. Once they get that attention they don’t necessarily go away, but they are much more content to snuggle up and play nice.
The Un-winnable Fight…
18 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Emotional drama, Parenting, Relationships, Stay at home mom Tags: parenting, relationship difficulties and parenting, relationships, relationships and parenting
I don’t know if y’all noticed, but I was a little grumpy last night. Me and the darling hubby had a bit of an argument and the furiosity carried over into the writing.
So after a night of furiosity and a later night of no sleep I was pretty much useless today. Still feeling not quite with it, although I am happy to say the fight is officially over. I spend a lot of time talking about how hard this parenting this on me, but I’m no dope. I know it sucks for my husband too. He works his behind off 10-plus hours a day listening to people’s problems and helping them through their emotional crises, then he comes home and instead of getting to veg out and rest from his day he walks into the house of tired and grumpy and gets to listen to my emotional crises. He spends what time he can with the kids before they go to bed, we try to have decent conversation through our exhaustion, and then it’s time for bed and it all starts the next day. I know this is his life, and I know his life is tiring, but it is so hard to see outside of your own struggles. Our personal suffering clouds our vision, keeps us from seeing that others are suffering just as much (often more).
Based on what I’ve heard from other SAHMs, this is a common issue. Mom is burnt out. Dad is burnt out. Both feel their roles are demanding, both feel under-appreciated, both want rest. And instead of seeing that we both are suffering in our own ways and trying to work together, we look for who is suffering MORE. Mom thinks she suffers more because she never gets a break, is never alone, doesn’t get adult interaction without kids hanging on her, doesn’t get to use her brain. Dad thinks he suffers more because he’s away from the kids all day, works hard to support the family (and give mom what she wanted, after all, to stay home with the kids!), comes home to chaos and the kids shoved on him without having time to decompress, has no time for himself. So we live in our personal suffering until the internal tension is so high that the inevitable fight ensues. Maybe it’s caused by one of them asking for something that pushes the other over the edge of what is acceptable to take on. Maybe it’s as little as mom wanting to go shopping by herself. Maybe dad simply wants to be able to have 30 minutes a day to exercise. But something tips the balance, someone bristles at a request, and the hounds are released!
Our fight last night wasn’t even about this (for once), I honestly can’t remember what it was about but it started after we paid bills which is always a lovely time. But the above scenario happens often – I’d say it’s an every-other-month argument. It’s one that will never be won, and I think we both know that. I think it merely serves as a release valve. Every so often we let ourselves feel the anger and resentment over not being able to do what we want that we push down on a daily basis in our efforts to stay grateful and present for the kids. There are no ‘decompress’ days anymore, days from pre-kids where if you were feeling depleted you could lay on the couch and watch movies on TNT all day. So we have this argument that we know will go nowhere but at least we feel we got to voice all of the internal complaints we’ve had about our individual situations. And usually someone says something in the discussion that is enlightening to the other person. So even if the argument isn’t won per se, it’s a success if someone can leave feeling like they have a better understanding of what their partner may be going through.
Really, though? Moms have it waaaaaaaaaaaaay harder. 
What’s Not to Like??
17 Jan 2012 1 Comment
I have really considered not doing this blog anymore. I’ve said this before, that I feel like all I do is bitch and complain about how hard being a mom is, how hard it is staying home, how hard it is not having money, how hard it is feeling like I look like crap all the time. Because there are some fantastic things that happen. I could blog about baking with Nyima, or all the hilarious things Kai is doing, or how much I’ve loved our new-found dance party ritual. And maybe I will if the mood strikes me. But the mood has been striking me more to write about the struggles. Because to be honest if all I wrote about was sunshiney happy stuff I’d want to punch myself in the face. I’ve read those blogs, the “I love my kids, and this is how great of a parent I am, and look how I love my whole family and am saving the earth at the same time! Oh, and did I mention I sewed ten new dresses for my lovely children and their lovely dolls today, and also here are 100 pictures of my perfect house and perfect yard. Life is swell!”. I haven’t read those blogs for long before wanting to puke, but I’ve read them. Enough to know that the people writing them are full of shit and are trying to convince everyone and themselves that everything is peachy so they don’t fall into the abyss.
I, on the other hand, am very comfortable with the abyss. Maybe too comfortable. But to defeat your enemy you must know your enemy. I don’t sit around all day wallowing in my darkness. Most of the time it’s not even there, not on the surface. It just sort of hangs out. I’m not talking about depression, it’s more that part that stands back and observes all the chaos and every once and awhile says “Dude. What the fuck.”
Like tonight, for example. Tonight my husband gets home, the children are whining and crying because they’re tired and Kai has his 100th ear infection, and I go sit in the bathroom and read and pretend I have to poop so I can get away from it for about 5 minutes. I’m hearing the crying, I know that the crying I hear means that they are probably hanging on Jason’s legs while he’s trying to get some food, do some dishes. And I’m thinking “I should probably be down there and help him out.” And then I’m thinking….”Nah.” I’m just over it, man. Over stressing about the house. Over stressing about whether I’m feeding the kids right, disciplining right, putting them to bed right. Over not having money to buy myself something other than $5 pants that don’t even fit right but I buy them anyway because hey, new pants! Over looking like a freakin’ MOM. Over worrying about everyone and their brother but never myself. Over every decision I make being preceded by the thought of whether x, y, or z will approve. Over having to pretend to poop to get 5 minutes to myself.
This morning I took 3 hours to go into our office and work on Jason’s insurance billing for his private practice. It felt so good to use my brain. I’m sure that’s what has lead to my uber-cynicism tonight. I got a taste of being smart again, and I LIKED it! I used to be smart. I used to be interesting. Now…meh. I would love to have a conversation about something other than my kids, but I don’t know about anything else right now. Politics? I’m out. Current events? Nope. Fashion? Puh-lease.
So I have these thoughts, then of course I think I’m the worst mom in the world because I’m not fawning over my children 24/7 and the worst wife for not falling down at my husband’s feet because I’m so grateful I get to stay home with the kids. I really am never satisfied…if I were working I would be saying how much it sucked that I have to work and can’t stay home with my kids. And my kids are healthy and happy so what do I have to complain about? I know there are people that have it much much worse, and I know that me griping makes me look like a big douchebag in the contest for ‘who’s life sucks the most?’. Is this just confirmation that I’m a spoiled brat and not happy with anything, that nothing really is good enough? It’s quite possible. But if that’s the case, then I guess I’m a spoiled brat and not happy with anything, because this is what’s going on, people. These are the thoughts that go through my head, these are the crazy ass emotions that come spilling out. And I’m going to keep putting them out there, because I think if I don’t I would probably explode.
The Magic is in the Music…
13 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Emotional drama, music, Parenting, personal growth Tags: depression, music, music and moods, parenting, personal growth
I had a magical music day today. Two, count ‘em, TWO crazy rockin’ dance parties with the kids. One at our house and one at our friends’ house. I’m going to have to do those more often – I used to dance my heiny off back before the youngsters were around, often by myself in the living room. It was fun to add them to my personal dance party. Nyima looked amazed that I could move like that…which just shows me I need to do it more.
Music used to be a huge part of my life. Some of my earliest memories are of music. My parents used to throw fabulous parties (at least they seemed fabulous to me) with lots of loud rock music. My dad would set up the music for the parties and I would be downstairs with him while he picked out the records. I have a very clear memory of him blasting ‘Jet Airliner’ by The Steve Miller Band and me thinking he was perhaps the coolest dad in the whole world. When I got older I’d lock myself in my room and play music nonstop (and record songs off the radio on my tape deck, of course!).
I tend to use music as therapy. On my iPod I had playlists for pretty much every mood. I lost that iPod on a plane a couple years ago and I still mourn it…I went through some intense periods in my life while I had it and the songs for all of them were on that little gadget. Oh, how I miss it! I’ve started to put lists together on my new iPod, but it will never be the same as that one. But perhaps I was meant to lose it. That iPod held music from my ‘previous’ before kids life, a life that was centered around me and my wants, my neurosis, my dramas. Maybe me losing it was a sign that it was time to move on, time to start some new lists to reflect my new life. I’d say my current iPod is doing that. Rather than having a playlist for when I’m feeling sexy (previous iPod) (previous life!), I now have playlists dedicated solely to Disney songs, Nyima’s favorites, and annoying kid sing-alongs. I have my ‘mommy and daddy only’ songs (rap) and my family friendly songs. I keep most of my downloads to ‘radio versions’ instead of ‘explicit’. But the music is still mine.
Kai fell asleep in the car while Nyima was at school today so I went for a drive so he could take a nap. While he was sleeping, the Indigo Girls song “Love’s Recovery” played. I don’t know what I thought it was about before…relationships I think. But while I was listening today it was like I was finally hearing it for the first time, even though I had listened to it a gazillion times before. I needed to hear it, and I think I was able to really hear it because my heart happened to be open, finally – or maybe it was just searching, I don’t know. You know, that feeling that you are ‘this’ close to getting something you need to help solve some puzzle within you if you could just find the right piece…anyway. I had a nice visit with my mom the night before, the morning before school went smoothly, I skipped the gym to give myself a chance to just tool around, and I randomly went to this drive-through coffee place that had the nicest people working there. My coffee had a little packaged biscotti taped to it with a saying that said “Laugh whenever possible” or something like that. It was simply a lovely morning. So I’m driving around this song comes on and everything just clicks. This song is about love pulling us through our dark times, our personal storms. Not necessarily relationship love, just open heart, compassion kind of love. We get wrapped up in our insecurities, our dramas, what society tells us we are ‘supposed’ to be, what our families expect us to be, what we imagined we would be. When all we have to be is who we are, and all we have to do is love who we are at each moment. We have to fight for that love, bust through our egos and personal expectations. Everything else will fall into place. Easier said than done. But for a brief moment I GOT it, I understood it all, and for that moment it was clear and real. It lasted maybe a second, but it will be enough to haul me out of this funk I’ve had going on.
So to end the post I’m sharing the lyrics to the song. Enjoy, open your heart, and ride it through your storms…
“Love’s Recovery” by Indigo Girls
During the time of which I speak,
it was hard to turn the other cheek
To the blows of insecurity
Feeding the cancer of my intellect,
the blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They’ve all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love’s recovery.
There I am in younger days, star gazing,
Painting picture perfect maps
of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass, faith in love’s perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
Left each other one by one in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love’s recovery.
Rain soaked and voice choked
like silent screaming in a dream
I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bent
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction
Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me
I’d still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal,
as specks of dust we’re universal
To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give
Tell all the friends who think they’re so together
That these are ghosts and mirages,
these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it’s storming out I feel safe within the arms of love’s discovery
The Pendulum Swings…
11 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Baking, Cooking, Emotional drama Tags: baking, blogging, depression
So, today is another day. A better day. And that is a good thing.
I worked out this morning, which I think helped immensely. I felt like I was clawing my way out of quicksand the whole time. Depression saps the energy – it takes a lot of mojo to keep yourself that down. I kept having thoughts like “I’m too tired”, “I should slow it down”, “I’ll work out harder tomorrow” going through my head to try to get me to stop – but I didn’t! As my daughter would say, I told those thoughts to step off, man! It helped break up some of the stagnant energy, which helped elevate my mood a bit. I also went to lunch and had a wonderful chat with my dearest friend (thanks, Jackie!) which always helps me remember I’m not alone in feeling what I do. Sigh. Motherhood – gotta love it. I definitely feel better today, although I can still feel the darkness hovering below the surface. The pendulum has swung, and I will enjoy the ride up.
I hesitate writing blogs like the one yesterday because inevitably the mood improves and then I just feel like a big dumb whiner. But I’m trying to be honest with this, whether it’s how I feel about parenting, relationships, or myself. I am human, my moods will shift, as will my opinions, interests, and dramas. I would rather write about an intense day like I had yesterday than try and dig up something to put down just to say I blogged (which is what I feel like I’m doing today…).
Topic switch. I made some awesome cupcakes the other day. I found a ‘from scratch’ chocolate cupcake recipe that was very good and moist. I made buttercream frosting to go with it, and per Nyima’s request made it pink. She helped me bake the cupcakes, which was very fun. And today she said she wanted to bake with me again, so yay! The frosting I made was good, but I find buttercream way sweet, so I went a little nutso and added cinnamon, curry, and ginger powder to it. It was AWESOME! (And the colors of the spices changed the pink to a very pretty mauve…) Jason said they were the best cupcakes he’s every had. The next day the flavors of the spices really came out nicely – it was like a chocolate spice cupcake. Oh so good. Today I find the curry is actually too strong, but at this point it’s about time to throw the few that are left away anyway.
I’m thinking about making a separate blog about my cooking/baking. I don’t use recipes for my cooking and throw some yummy stuff together, it would be nice to write it down (so perhaps I could make it again someday…). And I’m finding that I like experimenting with the baking too rather than just always following recipes, so it could be fun to track my culinary adventures. Also, after writing blogs like the one yesterday it just seems trite to have something about cupcakes in the same lineup. What the heck, I’ve got lots of time, right???
And I do realize that I seem rather bipolar between yesterday’s and today’s posts. It’s the emotional pendulum, baby! Hang on, ’cause we’re goin’ for a ride!
Mom-pression
10 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in Emotional drama, Parenting, Stay at home mom, Uncategorized Tags: depression, motherhood
Depression has reared it’s ugly head. I felt it creeping in, although I’ve been denying it. I’m pretty sure it started camping out for good over the holidays.
I have never been one to admit depression – I’ll admit I’m depressed, but only the one-day mood slump, I’ll get some rest and feel better in the morning sort of depressed. Not the want to lay in bed all day, feel like crying all the time, physical pain that hangs out for good sort of depressed. I can’t get THAT sort of depressed. That’s only for people who can’t solve their own problems, who can’t brush it off, who are too self-centered to see outside their own silly moods. Nope. Not me.
Which is, of course, bullshit. This episode is proof of that. Every time the kids needed me today I wanted to curl up on the floor. I stood at the kitchen sink this morning and when I thought of the day ahead of me the pain was almost unbearable…a wave of dark prickly goo that rolled through my body. The only thoughts going through my head are “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t”.
I’m pretty sure what started it all was the commercial kitchen requirement for the baking gig. That necessity and my lack of available time put my fantasy just out of reach. It’s not because I can’t do the baking gig. I made two cakes and a few batches of cupcakes and decided I wanted to try to sell them – it’s not like I had a lifelong dream of owning my own bakery. It was the almost there-ness of having something, anything, for myself.
Jason and I were talking about this tonight and he said, “Being a mom does nothing for feeding the ego”. How true. He also said, which I thought was very kind, that it is the ultimate bodhisattva – day in and day out you sacrifice your own wants and desires to give love and compassion (well, attempt to anyway) to these little beings. These beings that scream in your face, stab each other with forks, and disagree with everything you say. I said I wanted to be more than just ‘mom’, and he said what a sad society we live in that those of us in a mothering role would feel that what we do isn’t enough, that the most important role gets such little reverence. He’s right, but him being right isn’t filling this void that I’m feeling right now.
I don’t doubt the importance of my role. I don’t want to have an ego that wants to be fed. I want to be blissful and happy in my bodhisattva mothering role. But at this moment I am not. So what am I going to do about it? The first thing I will do is get some sleep. The next thing I will do is exercise. After that I will try to remain open to what I need, not let doubts keep me from seeing ways that I can express myself, ways I can enrich my existence or the existence of those around me (and if I can make a little coin while doing it, all the better). I will not fight the depression – in my experience that only makes it stronger. But I also won’t give into it. I see the depression, I know that it’s there. I may need to have a huge emotional breakdown in the near future to let this wave pass – if that’s what is needed, so be it. I will embrace the depression, give it a hug, tell it that I know it’s sad and wants to be noticed, and I’m sorry for its suffering. I will tell it that I am doing everything I can to help relieve it’s pain, but I also have a couple of kids to take care of so if it could ease back on the severity dial that would be great. I won’t ignore it. I won’t ignore myself. I will survive.
Conscious Parenting…
09 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Parenting Tags: conscious parenting, parenting, toddler parenting
This weekend was an exercise in conscious parenting. What is conscious parenting, you ask? Good question…
I did not want to be parenting this weekend. I didn’t want to tell the same story a gazillion times. I didn’t want to play, I didn’t want to change poopy pants, I didn’t want to do any of it. What I wanted to do was finish our kitchen, clean out our upstairs closet, go out to dinner, put away my summer clothes, research ways to afford kitchen cabinets, and also lay on the couch and watch a movie (the un-animated kind with swear words and s-e-x). You name it, I wanted to do it as long as it didn’t revolve around kids. But, of course that was not possible.
There are a couple of options when this sort of weekend comes up. One option is to do all of those things anyway and ignore the kids unless they need to eat, sleep, or use the facilities. Another is to spend the whole weekend pouting about what you can’t do and inevitably take it out on the kids and be a great big grumplestiltzkin. The third option is to acknowledge that you would rather be elsewhere, acknowledge that you feel pouty inside about not being able to do what you want, but do all the parenting things that need to be done anyway.
The third option is easier said than done. What I find happens, which is what happened for part of the time this weekend, is that I get stuck in a sort of mental limbo. One part of my brain is parenting, the other part is lamenting what I can’t do, and so I end up feeling disconnected and flighty. I feel like I spent half of the day like that today. Sort of a robot going through the motions of what needed to be done without being fully there (reminds me of that horrible Adam Sandler “Remote Control” movie when he would fast forward through parts of his life that were boring…he was there but it was a dumbed-down version of him). To get out of that ‘half-there’ space I really have to sit with the part of me that wants to be elsewhere, fully feel the disappointment/resentment/petulance and then be very clear with myself that I’m going to have to get over it and move on, ’cause what I want to do ain’t happenin’. Usually I’ll go through one last internal tantrum and then it’s gone, and I can focus on being with the kids or whatever else I have to be doing that is taking me away from what I WANT to do.
What I find is when I clear that internal clutter of “I want I want I want” away, I free myself up to enjoy being present with the kids. I will admit that today I didn’t have it in me to be present with both at the same time. I think Jason must have felt the same way because we had an undeclared tag-team thing going on most of the day…he would run, I watched the kids. I stained the kitchen woodwork, he watched the kids. I napped with Kai, he took Nyima for a walk. I made cupcakes with Nyima, he took Kai to the store. It gave us each the time we needed to work through our ‘half there’ brain and at least attempt to be present.
On days like this, when I’m struggling with my role as a parent, especially on the days when Jason is at work and I’m the go-to momma, all I can do is try to keep myself grounded. My way of doing that is to try to remain conscious of my heart and my feet – I picture my heart expanding outward, and my feet rooting through the floor, and try to feel the energies moving in those directions. If I feel like they are connected it helps me feel less floaty, more present. I also do a sort of feather-duster twirl in my head to help clear out the ‘dull brain’. Where I feel cobwebby in my head, if I picture cleaning those cobwebs out it literally helps me feel more clear-headed. I used to have to do this sort of imagery work in just the right setting – no outside noise, relaxing music, etc…needless to say I’ve adapted. Now while I’m telling the Sophie the Witch story for the 10th time I’m also having an internal dialogue about staying here and being present for the kids even though every cell in my body is screaming for a moment alone.
It would be easier to check out. It would be easier to throw the kids in front of the TV for a day and go about my business. And there have been days where I’ve done that. But at the end of those days I feel dirty, I feel yucky, I feel like I have wasted precious time – both mine and theirs. Because their time with me is precious. As much as I complain, I know that in a few short years they will be off at school, have friends, be in activities, and snuggling with me on the couch while I make up silly stories is no longer going to be the highlight of their day. I also know that the only way I can know that I am doing what is right by them, giving them the time and attention they deserve, is to be fully present, fully conscious of what I am doing each moment I’m with them. Yes, it can make me angsty, and no, I don’t always succeed. But I try, and on some level I think they know that. Because on those days their hugs seem a bit tighter, their laughs a bit more true. And on those days, I know my job has been done.
Birthday Dinner…
07 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Baking, Birthdays, Cooking, Family Tags: 7 course meal, birthday dinners, celebratory dinners, family
My dad turned 60 this week. We’re having a big party for him at my parents’ house this summer, but I wanted to do something special for him to help celebrate in the meantime. So when I called him to sing his happy birthday song, I told him that we were inviting them to our house and would make him dinner – any dinner he wanted. He tells us what he wants to eat, and we cook it for him.
My dad and I are both big fans of the cooking shows…Top Chef, Chopped, etc. I’m working on learning a lot of techniques in baking and cooking in general. I’m not a huge recipe follower for cooking – in general I try to take the tastes I think are there and mimic them. But flavors are one thing…techniques are another. Since I’m home and my job is to be domestic goddess extraordinaire, I’ve been attempting to expand my horizons. My dad’s birthday dinner list should certainly help with that!
This is the requested menu I received from Dad today. Please note the 7 courses…
Course 1: Amuse bouche, my choice
Course 2: French Onion soup served with toasted pumpernickel bread and topped with gruyere cheese
Course 3: Mesculin salad with fried goat cheese balls (hehe), toasted pecans, and homemade garlic croutons topped with a balsamic vinigrette
Course 4: Diver scallop served on a bed of saffron risotto
Course 5: Lemon sorbet
Course 6: Pork Loin Kiev/Saltimbocca served with macaroni and cheese and orange glazed carrots
Course 7: Chocolate cheese cake with cream cheese icing and graham cracker crust
Beverages: Wine pairings and home-brewed beer (with the brewing kit he got Jason for Christmas)
Pretty cool, eh?!? For anyone who knows my dad this menu should not be surprising. The man is a foodie. Of course he said he could tone down the menu if he needed to, but I ain’t no wussy! To tone down would be to admit defeat, and that is something I do not do! (Much to my husband’s dismay…) So needless to say over the next few weeks I will be doing some studying and test cooking. The good news is we’re in for some yummy meals!
Dad also said we could invite friends, so I’ll start taking reservations now. ;-)
Sleep. As if.
06 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Co-sleeping, Parenting Tags: bed sharing, co-sleeping, parenting
I wasn’t going to blog tonight to give you all a break. But then I remembered it’s all about me, and you’re just along for the ride, and I want to attempt to start off the year blogging all the days of January, so you’ll just have to deal.
I’m typing this as Kai lies asleep next to me in my bed. It appears that we may be moving into the co-sleeping realm with the boy as well. The part of me that daydreams of having a child that I can lay in their bed, give a kiss, and tell goodnight while they put themselves to sleep and don’t hear a peep from them again until morning is quite sad. But I think that part realized long ago that I’m just not hardcore enough to make that happen. Mainly it’s because I like my sleep. I need my sleep. My sleep and I are BFFs. And when my sleep and I converse about how we can spend the most time together, what wins out is rolling over and put my hand on my child’s back for them to go back to sleep versus getting out of bed, getting a bottle, rocking, bouncing, waking the whole house up with crying, etc. So, in summary, I’m lazy. (Although recently I’ve been having to do all of that with Kai even though he’s in my bed, so I can’t win for losin’ lately.)
And yet, I sell myself short. It’s really not lazy to co-sleep/bed-share. It takes a lot of work. If it takes Kai or Nyima two hours to fall asleep, we’re with them for those two hours until they do fall asleep. We are kicked, punched, and peed on in the middle of the night. Nyima has a strange obsession with rubbing bare arms and squeezing elbow skin (did you know that’s called a wenis? True story.) so if she is having a light sleeping night your arms will be accosted. You would be surprised at how hard it is to sleep when someone is rubbing your arm. We made the conscious decision with Nyima to c0-sleep. We made the conscious decision with Kai to not co-sleep as soon as he was done nursing. Well…he’s over a year and I only nursed him for about 6 weeks. You do the math. I don’t know if he’s actually ever spent an entire night in his crib…
I tried keeping Kai in his crib, but it never felt natural for me. I always felt like there was a part of me missing, like I had forgotten something. For awhile I was sleeping with both kids, and while my sleep and I were definitely on the outs while that was going on, when I had both kids laying next to me I felt complete. I knew they were safe. I knew if they had nightmares. I knew if they had a rough night of sleep and what to expect the next day. And they know that if they are scared, cold, thirsty, or just want to cuddle, all they have to do is reach out and we’ll be there. Also? Early morning double-cuddles with a kid on each shoulder? Pretty fantastic.
There are tons of resources on the pros/cons of co-sleeping. I never planned on doing it until after we brought Nyima home and I knew there was no way I could be apart from her. After I started sleeping with her I was amazed at the amount of information out there – pros/cons, how to do it safely, etc. I was also amazed at the amount of people who DO co-sleep. It’s sort of like a secret society…mainly secret because we’re sick of getting bs from everyone about how it’s not a good idea. The main argument of course for newborns is SIDS. Quick bit of trivia, however, in countries where co-sleeping is the norm (of which there are many) SIDS is basically non-existent. Where is it the highest? Places like the US where babies are sleeping on their own. Studies have shown that the sleep and breathing patterns of mothers and babies who co-sleep are in sync…when the mom takes a deep breath, the baby takes a deep breath. When Nyima was a newborn and I was sleeping with her there were two instances where I had a very vivid dream that I couldn’t breathe. The dream woke me up both times, both times I reached out to Nyima and she took a deep breath. Was she going to stop breathing? I don’t know. But it was very relieving to know that I was there with her and to feel like maybe I was getting a warning.
To be clear, I have no beef with those who choose to not co-sleep (in fact I’m often jealous of their seemingly easy bedtime routine). It’s a choice we made that I still sometimes question, mainly on those hard-to-get-to-sleep nights or a particularly violent night of sleep. And while there are tons of resources out there to tell you the right way to co-sleep, there are basically NONE that tell you how to stop. I figure if they aren’t sleeping on their own by the time they start college we might have to lay down the law…
BMI, shmi-MI.
05 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Kid health, Parenting Tags: BMI, child nutrition, kid health, parenting
Before the holidays I took Nyima and Kai for their 3-year and 1-year wellness visits. During Nyima’s visit the doctor tells me that her BMI is in the 95%, then starts asking me about her snacking habits, if she is active, blah blah blah. It was a little comment that I’m sure he doesn’t think anything about – I know childhood obesity is an issue and they want to feel that they are doing their part in trying to prevent it. But dude, my kid isn’t obese, not even close. And I don’t think I’m in denial, either. She just isn’t that chubby (She is a little chubby. Not portly chubby, just cute little toddler belly chubby.). Yes, she weighs a lot – she has always weighed a lot. I weigh a lot – at my thinnest I was a size 6-8 and still never broke the 150 mark on the scale (I’m 5’6″, not overly tall.) At first his comment just had me paranoid. Is my kid fat? Am I just not seeing it because of ‘mommy blindness’? So of course I asked all my friends that know her if that was the case. I’m going to take their astonished responses at face value and not start thinking my friends are just great actors. So I’ve convinced myself that my child is not obese, and yet I CAN’T stop thinking about this stupid comment by her doctor. Every time she eats something, I’m asking myself if it’s going to be bad for her, picturing the doctor saying “95% BMI…” like some ghost of diets past. She is a big snacker, and now Jason and I are questioning weather we should let her have so many snacks. But, you know, sadly her snacks are probably more healthy than her meals! So if she wants to fill herself up on apples as snacks instead of mac and cheese for her dinner, why should I be stopping her? The discipline part of parenting says she’s supposed to sit and eat her meals. So I find myself making her take ‘just one more bite’ of pasta loaded with cheese. And yet I’m concerned that she’s asking for a snack 10 times a day, snack being an apple, orange, or cheese stick (or candy. Let’s not fool ourselves. But the candy limit is about the only thing I am confident in these days.) What is wrong with this picture??
So then I get paranoid that my food paranoia for her is going to push her into some horrible body image issues or eating disorders or low self esteem or whatever else I can do wrong. Or me constantly saying no to her wanting more snacks is going to lead to some sort of food relationship problem. As always I feel like I can’t win, and then I get frustrated that I don’t just trust myself. I’m her mom. I know that she’s healthy. And yet I’ve let some random comment by a doctor throw me into this tailspin of self-doubt. I had a long conversations with my sister-in-law about this that actually made me feel a lot better, and has brought out more of the outrage at our screwed up society than putting my parenting skills under a microscope, which is nice.
So what has my panties all in a bunch about this whole thing…there are many things. First, society’s need to push opinions on people without really taking a look at what is going on. As he was telling me to make sure she gets exercise he didn’t even look at her. If he did wouldn’t he have seen that perhaps she’s just a heavy kid? Not fat? I’m so sick of kids having to fit into ‘data sets’. Test scores, BMI, you name it there is some measurement that they need to fit between the lines for and if they don’t…well…that’s just not acceptable. And they say it like it’s no big deal – don’t they realize that when we leave their office we rehash everything they told us and place ourselves on our own internal measuring tape to see if we measure up? ”Practically perfect in every way” being the ideal, of course. I also just realized how soon the double standard starts for male/female body image. I get told for Nyima that her BMI is 95% and make sure she gets exercise. But with Kai, who is almost 30 pounds at a year old, the doctor is marveling over how big his legs are, how big his hands are, how he’s built like a truck. No mention of him being too big.
Gah. I’m simply tired of trying to not only live up to my internal expectations as a parent, which is pretty much impossible, and at the same time try to get approval from everyone and their brother about the same things. I’m throwing in the towel. You don’t like how I parent? Bully for you. I’m sure everything you’re doing is absolutely perfect and your kids will NEVER be in therapy talking about how you screwed them up. I, on the other hand, have started a therapy savings account for the kids. You can’t get a loan for therapy! (I haven’t really started that account. But it’s not a bad idea.)
So ridiculously high BMI thing aside, I am curious about this snacking thing with Nyima. The kid is literally asking for a snack like every hour. Is this normal? If she’s eating healthy snacks like fruit and whatnot should I just let her do it? Do other kids snack like this? The main fit trigger during the day is me saying no to a snack, so if it really isn’t a big deal I will save myself a lot of grey hairs (and money from trying to cover said grey hairs) by just letting her eat her damn snacks.
Other random things:
- I forgot how tired I get with both kids and no help. It sucks.
- Not looking good for the part-time return to work, but they did tell me that full-time could be an option. I told them I could only do full-time if I could be done by 3. We’ll see what they say.
- Kai’s new thing is pointing at things and saying “What’s that?” (or, really, more like “whazzzat”) It’s very cute.
- I’m thinking of trying to write children’s books off of the elaborate stories that Nyima makes me make up. I think they could be fun fantasy stories for kids…good things for cool dreams.
- I need to write a radio ad for my mom. I suck at writing radio ads. Any tips are appreciated.
